


Wicked Game

by iwritewhenimhappy



Series: I'll Be Good [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Child Neglect, M/M, Mates, Mental Health Issues, Pack, Panic Attacks, Past Suicide Attempt, Past Trauma(s), Sexual Content, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritewhenimhappy/pseuds/iwritewhenimhappy
Summary: In a world where werewolves are known and mates are very real, Stiles is born human (mostly) and never expects to become apart of any pack. That is until Scott gets the bite and Stiles meets Derek Hale. Life is already complicated and confusing enough for the young man, but now it's beyond even that.





	Wicked Game

**Author's Note:**

> I don't add explicit tags as I think it takes away from the story but I did add enough for there to be obvious signs that this is not an easy read, and if you can't handle dark topics, you shouldn't be here.

_“He needs to know. You should tell him.” Claudia Stiliniski says to her son in what can only be discerned as a condescending voice._

_“Stop it!” Stiles says, having enough of this, nearly a year of her belittling him, threatening and blackmailing. “Stop it! I don’t want to tell him! I should have never told you.”_

_Her head tilts, black hair falling slightly onto her shoulder as her once warm brown eyes narrow at him. She doesn’t seem surprised or impressed by his outburst. In fact all she says in response is the same words, “You need to tell him.”_

_Stiles, now at a loss of energy simply slumps against the couch too tired to argue anymore. Too emotionally and physically exhausted from this endless argument. He doesn’t want to tell his father anything right now, maybe never, maybe in the future but either way it’s none of her damn business. Mother or not, he’s the one that has the right and the one who should decide what needs to be said to his father or not. It’s his choice. This is his business. It happened to him. Not her. Even though she acts like it’s the other way around, it’s not._

_“Stiles, you’re my son and I love you, but you’re also your father’s son too. He’ll be so supportive and he can help you.” She tells him._

_“I don’t care.” Stiles snaps back. “I can’t- I can’t even talk to you about this. I wish I never told you. I wish you knew nothing about this.”_

_Her brown eyes turn sad. “I’m glad you told me. Haven’t I helped you?”_

_“Yes, you have.” Stiles reluctantly agrees. “But this, right here, it’s not helping. It’s making everything worse.”_

_“He needs to know.” She says again, her eyes still sad but determined. “If you don’t tell him-”_

_“What? You will? You’re not even real.”_

_Her sadness is back but tenfold and it makes Stiles reel in guilt. So much so that he immediately says, “I’m sorry.”_

_This time she doesn’t say those same threatening words, instead all she says is, “I am too.”_

 Stiles jerks awake two seconds before his alarm is blaring. The blankets around him are pulling him down and under. He feels trapped and isolated, and before he knows it his breathing is too erratic. He places one hand on his chest almost immediately and starts the breathing exercises he learned in therapy as a young child. With the other hand he searches for the alarm on his night stand and slams on the button. As soon as the noise is gone and it’s quiet once more Stiles’ breathing starts to slow. He’s staved off the panic attack, this time

 His hands come to his face next as he rubs the sleep and hopefully the anxiety away. The lingering smell of lilacs is still there just below the smell of the coffee he spilt on his desk last night. The lilacs are his mother’s perfume, he always can still smell it after seeing her in his dreams. It comes back with him and it stays with him for most of the day, until he’s asleep again and seeing her once more. Hence the coffee. It’s not good for him but the more he drinks the less he sleeps and the less he has to see her.

“Fifteen minutes.” Stiles whispers under his breath as he looks to the alarm clock. He has fifteen minutes to get ready and be out the door. He doesn’t like getting up too early, too much time to think and therefore too much time to back out of his daily obligation of classes. He can’t have another semester like last year. He can’t do that to his father, not again.

 Stiles shakes his head from these thoughts and gets out of his bed. The day is like any other, that’s how it starts and how it usually ends but this time as he’s locking the front door his phone beeps. His first thought is that it’s his father, who else would be leaving a message? He has no friends, not after Scott left. Not after he was ditched for his pack, his new ‘family’ so it must be his father, but when he looks it’s not his father.

**R U free?**

**Dinner at pack house at 7**

**Im inviting u**

  * **Scott**



 Scott? What the fuck? That’s Stiles first thought anyway, but his first feeling is the lunge of his heart. It feels like it’s jumped a foot in the air. Why is Scott texting him? It’s been months. It’s been years more like. Why is he texting him now? Is this some sort of cruel prank? Some sort of joke? No, Scott wouldn’t do that. Sure he ditched him but who wouldn’t with the kind of problems Stiles had- has. What should he say then? Should he even reply? His brain tells him to say fuck him and delete the message but his heart, the part of him that still cares underneath it all is already typing out a reply.

**C u then :)**

 The smiley face is too much so he quickly erases that and sends the message without. Surprisingly Scott sends back another message with a smiley face. Stiles can’t help but smile even though a large part of him is unendingly, horribly angry. The kind of fury that simmers and boils over without any notice.  The kind of anger that makes violence.

><><><>< 

“Well hello, you must be Stiles.” Says the slightly intimidating, although obviously younger than him girl. She has dark hair and dark eyes. Stiles knows her almost immediately as Cora, the youngest of the Hale pack. There’s only a few that survived the fire and she’s one of them. Her, her older brother, older sister, her mother the current Alpha, and Peter. The brother of the Alpha. They’ve been desperately rebuilding ever since which is why they have added new members by bite, something wolves don’t always like to do unless they’re human mates or close friends- practically family. Letting someone come into the pack is an honour and not done lightly.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Stiles says as Cora smiles. “I- I brought a salad. It’s potato salad. I hope that’s okay.”

 Her smile widens and her aura becomes happier, more inviting. “Come in.”

 Cora steps aside to let Stiles into the gigantic almost mansion like house. It could easily hold a few dozen people, Stiles supposes that before the fire it probably did. Now there’s only the few Hale members and the couple new bitten members residing here now. It’s not something that Stiles likes to think about when he already has so much he worries about but Scott is here, he was bitten and Stiles can’t help but still care about him.

“Stiles! You’re here!” Scott is suddenly there with a smile as wide as the earth. Cora has already taken the potato salad to the kitchen leaving him alone with his ex-best friend.

“Hey, Scotty.” Stiles says a little awkwardly as Scott approaches him. He doesn’t go in for a hug like they usually would have done and instead holds out his hand for a handshake. It’s then that Stiles can’t hold it in anymore.

“Why am I here?” Stiles asks a little more coldly than he would have in the past. Scott’s smile is instantly gone and a sad puppy dog look appears. He’s about to say something when Talia, the pack leader is there. She has a younger than her but older than him young woman with her. It’s obvious who this is, Laura Hale, next in line as Alpha. Stiles can’t help but lower his head slightly. Most humans wouldn’t but then again, he’s not most humans. Both seem surprised when he raises his head after the customary respectful moment.

“I invited you.” Talia says after getting over the surprise of Stiles’ actions. “You’re Scott’s family and Scott is our family too now. It’s customary to get acquainted.”

“With all due respect, Scott and I haven’t seen each other in a long time.” Stiles explains only looking out the corner of his eye to see Scott’s sad reaction to that true statement.

“And yet you came.” Talia tells him with slight smile. “Like I said, family.”

Stiles did come. He can’t argue with that.

><><><>< 

“Thanks for dinner.” Stile says later that night. He and Scott talked, briefly. They’re going to try this again, albeit slowly.

“You’re welcome.” Talia tells him. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to meet my son but he should be back next week.”

 It’s an invitation to come back again but at the same time there’s a loop hole to get out. To say ‘thank you but I’m pretty busy’ would be a lie, they would all know it and not just because they’re werewolves, but Stiles doesn’t see the point in lying so instead he answer honestly, “That sounds nice. Thank you.”

 He turns to leave but Scott says something to him that makes turn back, “I’m really glad you came.”

“Me too.” Stiles tells him even though he’s still not one hundred percent sure about that statement. Scott’s smile never waivers, either wolves can’t tell uncertainty’s or Scott doesn’t want to hear it in his heartbeat.

><><><>< 

 Stiles doesn’t forgive Scott right away and they’re not the best of friends because they had one dinner together. In fact Stiles is still unbelievably angry with Scott for abandoning him not just for abandoning their friendship but for abandoning him. He’s angry with Scott for abandoning him with his misery and pain. He’s angry for all of the panic attacks and depressive episodes he had to endure alone. He’s angry for the nightmares and seeing his mother, and for not being able to- for not having Scott there to talk to. He’s angry at Scott for leaving him with all of that alone. He’s angry.

 Despite the anger Stiles does come to next week’s dinner. Half of why he comes is because of Scott but the other half is because of Talia. Not going would show great disrespect to her and her pack. As the Sheriff’s son, and with his own instincts he knows that he can’t go against the invitation, and that he can’t act on impulse when it comes to the wolves. He doesn’t need his father’s or class lectures on wolf and human relations to know as much.

“Stiles, welcome.” Laura greets him on that Sunday as she opens the door and ushers him in. “It’s good to see you again. Scott’s just in the bathroom at the moment, and the others are in the dining room. Come and greet them. You can finally meet my brother, Derek, he’s back from Europe. He may seem a little intimidating but he’s the gentlest soul you’ll ever meet, I promise.”

 Stiles nods in understanding at this information as he holds out the fruit desert he made. It’s a mixture of jello, fruit, and whip cream. It’s always been a favourite of his father’s, even though he’s not allowed to have it often due to his high blood pressure, but the Hales will love it he’s sure, and it was Scott’s favourite too once upon a time. He tries to say as much to Laura, to tell her he brought it but she’s going on and on about her brother that Stiles doesn’t get a word in until a soft growl stops her. It comes from the dining room and Stiles can only assume it’s the mysterious brother whose back from Europe as Laura has started saying some slightly embarrassing things about him.

“Oh shush!” She says as Stiles follows her into the dining room. “It’s only Stiles. Scott’s brother.”

 Brother? Stiles doesn’t correct her because suddenly they’re in the dining room and all of the Hales are staring at him. In particular is the dark haired man that is extremely attractive but also, yes, Laura was right, intimidating. He’s staring at Stiles like he’s the sun or the moon, or some kind of natural disaster. His eyes are so intense that Stiles can’t help but flinch away. He’s not the only one with an intense stare as all of the Hales are now staring at Derek who won’t stop staring at him. It’s all very confusing and uncomfortable for Stiles, so much so that when Scott finally comes down the stairs and into the dining room Stiles is inwardly praising any God out there for the distraction.

“Stiles, you’re here!” Scott says in excitement as he goes in for the bro hug, but as soon as his arms are around him a growl is heard. It’s low, loud, and defiantly a warning. Scott pulls away from Stiles who is still holding the desert in his hands and looks to Derek with a questioning gaze but his neck is bared in submission too. Derek isn’t the Alpha, but he is third in line and the Alpha’s son, it gives him a unique positon in the pack hierarchy Stiles remembers from those classes on wolf and human relations. A required class since 1967- well, it’s not really important at this moment is it?

“Um, I- I brought desert?” Stiles says awkwardly as the staring-fess continues. He’s trying to clear the air and disperse whatever the hell is going on between Scott and this Derek, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. It’s then that Stiles looks to Talia who is the natural leader and who will be able to, if not make sense of this situation, at the very least evaporate it. “Uh, Ms. Hale?”

 Talia’s eyes are like razors as they meet Stiles, but they soften after a moment and then harden as her Alpha positon takes hold. “Enough.” She says loudly. “You’re making our guest uncomfortable.”

 Her words are enough to make everyone relax slightly, although there is still something going on that Stiles is not quite sure of. A few years ago he would say something, push it, but that was a few years ago, and yet… He can’t get rid of this nagging feeling, this pull in his gut that is strong. Before he knows it he’s speaking, asking, “What’s going on?”

 No one says anything and Stiles becomes a little frustrated, even angry as he looks to Derek. He should be looking to Scott but something makes him look to Derek instead. Derek’s eyes meet his and the pull in his gut is undeniable. He almost steps forward toward the older man, but he manages to stop himself before he can as Derek’s eyes soften. Derek clears his throat and awkwardly asks, “Stiles Stilinski, will you do the honour of accepting I, Derek Hale as a potential mate?”

 Oh fuck.

><><><>< 

“Uh, hello?” Stiles says confused and surprised when he opens his front door to a large basket of food. There’s spaghetti noodles, the expensive kind that he loves to cook with, there’s also smoked cheese, crackers, a whole turkey, and a bunch of peanut butter and chocolate cups that he would die for. All in all it’s his favourite food items, all in this basket held by a nervous looking Derek Hale. Stiles hasn’t seen him since that dinner from last week that turned into a practical marriage proposal that he somehow agreed to. He didn’t even get Derek’s number, he just left having to get out of there, throwing some excuse to them about his father and a family emergency, and now here Derek Hale is. With a basket. Full of food. Good food, but food?

“Hi.” Derek says to him before holding out the basket in a clear gesture for Stiles to take it. Stiles is confused but he feels that same pull felt at the Hale’s house when he first met the wolf and before he knows it he’s reaching out and taking it. Accepting it.

“Thank you?” Stiles have says, half asks. Derek nods his head and turns around heading to his fancy camereo car- A camereo? Damn. Anyway, he goes to leave and it makes Stiles even more confused but he vaguely remembers Cora saying at the first dinner how her brother is not a talker, which is the understatement of the year.

“Was that Talia Hale’s son?” His father asks when he walks back into the house, basket of food in his arms.

“Maybe?” Stiles half asks and half tells him.

 His father gives him the infamous, ‘Stiles what did you do’ glare.

“Okay, so maybe he asked if I would consider to be his mate when I went over to the Hale house a couple of weeks ago for dinner.”

“You did what?”

“Well, Scott invited me, I didn’t know it was going to happen and then I was invited to another dinner and he was there… It just sort of happened?”

“Stiles!” His father says in astonishment.

“I’m sorry!” Stiles immediately says as a moment of panic consumes him. “I didn’t ask him to bring this food over.”

“He’s providing for you.” His father explains. “And you accepted him as a good provider. I know you’re nineteen in a few weeks but your still so young and-”

“Woah, dad, what are you talking about?”

“Didn’t you pay attention to your human and wolf relations class?”

“Kind of.” Stiles says a little sheepishly.

 His dad face palms.

><><><>< 

“Scott, buddy, I need you to talk to Derek for me.” Stiles says as soon as Scott picks up.

“Stiles?” Scott asks confused.

 Stiles rolls over so he’s lying on his stomach on his bed as opposed to his back and answers with, “Yes! It’s me. Look, I need you to talk to him and tell him that I’m young, and that I’m not ready to be werewolf married for the rest of my life.”

“Stiles, calms down. What are you talking about?”

“This whole mate business.”

“Oh. Well, you know that after you accept to be his potential mate, you have to accept being his mate before you are officially part of the pack, right? It doesn’t mean that you two- well, whatever goes on between you two is none of our business. Do you understand?”

“Not one word.”

 It takes over an hour for Scott to explain to Stiles that mates are bound for life but as to what extent is up to them. All mates end up romantic, but it sometimes takes a while to get there and that accepting them is accepting the pack. It’s accepting your role in it with your mate. You’re expected to be romantically and sexually only with your mate and no one else but as to your personal relationship it’s up to the both of them. So basically, he- Stiles does not have to get married to Derek or do anything else other than not have any relationship- romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else ever. It’s a bit of a damper if he’s being honest but also a weight off of his shoulders because he doesn’t have to have sex with Derek or be in a romantic relationship if he doesn’t want that. They can still be mates- be together without being together. It’s sort of a relief.

 After that long explanation he and Scott start talking about Alison, Scott’s new girlfriend, apparently his mate as well but Stiles made him promise not to use that word again. He’s heard the word mate way too often. They catch up and it’s good, it’s really good, and Stiles feels a million times better. He feels almost human again. Almost a person again, and he finds that sleep comes easy that night. Easy and peaceful.

 He doesn’t have to see his mother that night.

><><><>< 

 Stiles runs through his last lap then stops abruptly falling to the ground in a heap as his chest heaves with the effort of breathing after the workout. He’s been running around the track almost every day and it’s exhausting but it helps with the panic which is good. Usually he will lay here for a while until he’s breathing normally but before he knows it there’s a familiar face looking down at him with a worried expression. It surprises Stiles and he gets up almost immediately.

“What are you doing here?” Stiles asks a little incredulously as he stares at the large form of Derek Hale. He hasn’t seen him since the ‘providing’ incident almost a week ago. He honestly was starting to think that Derek had forgotten this whole mate thing.

“Are you alright?” Derek asks instead of answering Stiles’ question.

“I’m fine.” Stiles says still breathing heavily. “Why are you here?”

“Scott said your jeep broke down.”

 That traitor! Yeah, sure Stiles jeep broke down but it was already towed to the mechanics and he can simply walk home. He told Scott as much so why is Derek here? Why did Scott tell him? What the fuck?

“So?” Stiles replies as he side steps Derek and walks over to the bleachers to grab his water bottle.

“I’ll give you a ride.” Derek says, leaving the option of denial closed.

“I don’t need a ride. I can walk.”

“You ran fifty laps.”

 Stiles looks up at him in surprise and suspicion. “We’re you watching me this whole time? Because that’s a little creepy, sourwolf.”

 The nickname comes out before he can stop it and makes Derek narrow his eyes before saying, “No.”

 It’s an obvious lie but Stiles doesn’t catch him on it, instead opting to go with the safer option of saying, “Fine. Let’s go.”

 The sooner Derek gives him a ride the sooner Stiles can get out of his presence and have this stupid inner pull stop pulling for God’s sake. It makes Stiles want to get closer and closer to the wolf. So much so that he’s afraid he’s going to lean over and kiss him! Which is stupid because he doesn’t even like him. In fact he doesn’t even know him. Not really anyway.

><><><>< 

“Thanks for the ride, I guess.” Stiles says to Derek as he stops in front of his house. “See you around?”

 Stiles goes to open the door but Derek locks it before he even touches the handle. A wave of panic and fear fills him and his breathing is suddenly faster than ever. Faster than when he was running laps even. Derek must have sensed it, well of course he did, he’s a wolf because the doors are suddenly unlocked and Stiles is running out of that car as the panic crashes down into his chest.

“Stiles!” Derek calls as Stiles runs into the house, locking the door behind him. He runs up the stairs and into the bathroom as the pounding on his front door starts. It gets louder and louder making Stiles cover his ears as he slams the bathroom door behind him. He doesn’t turn on the light, instead opting for complete darkness as the panic attack engulfs him. The pounding on the door makes it worse and forces him to struggle with his phone and earphones to try and get some sort of noise- music that can drown out the pounding.

“F- Fuck.” Stiles says as he jams the earphones into his ears and turns the music up to blasting. His breathing is so intense now that he feels the darkness cascading onto him- onto his brain. It shuts down faster than he ran up the stairs until he’s gone from consciousness.

><><><>< 

“Stiles?” A voice says quietly. It brings Stiles closer to consciousness as his eyes open to the brightness of a light. He immediately squints his eyes to try and block it out. Whoever is there must see him struggling because the light is gone pretty soon after. The person comes back and says again softly, “Stiles?”

 Stiles looks up and for the first few seconds he thinks he sees Derek’s eyes staring at him but then they’re gone and Scott is right there. Concern is written all over his features and guilt stabs at Stiles chest. Confusion than sweeps in as he realizes that he’s lying in his bed in his bedroom, Scott right next to him. The last thing he remembers was him in the bathroom in the midst of a panic attack, the pounding on his front door being unbearable. It was Derek though, he’s sure, not Scott. So what is Scott doing here?

“Scott?” Stiles asks, his voice hoarse from the panic attack. “What are you doing here?”

“Derek called me.” Scott answers with concern. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” Stiles answers honestly.

 Scott then looks guilty as his eyes look down slightly. “I didn’t know that they got worse.”

 He’s referring to his panic attacks, the ones he started having after his mom died but stuck with him like the pain of her death. Both having never left. They used to be minor, in other words not the kind that would lead to passing out, but today is a different story. Now is a different story and suddenly Stiles feels angry for that. Of course Scott wouldn’t know. He hasn’t been here. He left their friendship. He left him.

“Why would you?” Stiles says to him as he sits up slowly. “You haven’t been around in a long time, Scotty.”

 The nickname is said with some vehemence making Scott wince and say, “I’m sorry, Stiles, but I- You kissed me! What was I supposed to do? And then I got the bite and- and well- I’m sorry!”

 It’s Stiles’ turn to wince now, only this time in embarrassment. “Sorry about that. About the kiss I mean. I was confused.”

“I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you.” Scott admits. “I was stupid.”

“We were both stupid.” Stiles tells him consolingly. There’s a moment where they’re both quiet as a grim acceptance falls over them. “Wait, Derek called you?”

“Yeah.” Scott looks up now with sudden realization. “I better call him. I told him I would when you woke up. He was so worried he- Oh.”

“Oh what?” Stiles asks as Scott’s face turns sheepish.

“It’s nothing.”

“Scott.”

“He may have knocked down your front door.” Scott admits.

“What!?” Stiles says in shock and horror.

“Sorry? He was worried. He really cares about you Stiles. You’re his mate.”

“My dad’s going to kill me.”

><><><>< 

“Hey, so it’s Stiles, um, Stililinski and I was just- can I talk to Derek?” Stiles says awkwardly as his heart beats faster and faster. His anxiety is spiked beyond belief and it’s awful but he has to talk to Derek.

“Stiles? Why are you calling the main line? Don’t you have Derek’s number?” The voice is unmistakably Laura’s and Stiles feels a little more at ease at her easy and comfortable tone.

“No, not really.”

“Well I could give it to you or- oh, Derek’s here. I’ll put you on and then leave the room to give you some privacy.”

 Stiles can practically hear the wink in her tone before a new voice is on the phone a deep growly one that Stiles recognizes. “Hello? Stiles?”

“Hi.” Stiles says in reply, all of the words he was psyching himself up to saying suddenly leaving him as he hears that voice.

“Are you okay?” Derek asks in concern.

“Yeah- no, yeah, I’m fine. I just- I wanted to call about the other day.”

“Oh. Sorry, I- I’ll pay for the door.”

“Well, that’s great but I was calling about the other thing.” Stiles says awkwardly.

“Oh.” Derek replies, not one for many words.

“Look I- I get panic attacks a lot and it doesn’t help when I’m trapped. Well- it’s not your fault but, I mean, maybe in the future don’t lock me in your car? That would be great and I’m sorry.”

“For what? Stiles, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that I just- I wanted your number.”

“Oh.” Stiles says repeating Derek’s earlier words. He suddenly feels like an idiot. “Right, that makes sense.”

“I’m sorry.” Derek says again.

“It’s not your fault. I overacted. I sometimes do that.” Stiles replies and before he knows it he’s speaking his mind again, something he used to do all the time but stopped until now. “Why did you leave? I woke up and you were gone.”

 There’s a moment of silence before Derek says, “I didn’t want to make things worse. But I didn’t leave. I was outside, listening.”

“One, that’s creepy, but two, thank you.”

“You’re welcome Stiles.”

 Stiles swears he hears a smile in the wolf’s voice, but that’s okay because he’s smiling too.

><><><>< 

“Don’t forget your medication.” His father says sternly before heading up to his room/study. Stiles watches him go as his eyes lower as though he’s being reprimanded. He only forgot one dose, and yeah, sure it made him feel a little weird for the day but mostly missing one dose isn’t the end of the world, but apparently according to his dad it is. Not that Stiles can really blame him after everything that’s happened.

“I won’t.” Stiles ends up saying reply but his father is already gone. Stiles watches the stairs he disappeared on and then turns back to the dishes from supper. It was a late one since his father was on a late shift, but honestly, when is he not? Stiles does the dishes slowly and mechanically as he tries to fill his time with as much of the cleaning as he can. It’s not good when he’s bored, when he has time to ponder and to think of- well of everything, it’s not good.

 Once he’s done he turns to bottle of medication and pops open the cap. There’s only three pills in here but that’s all his father will allow for him to have in reach since last year. It didn’t really bother Stiles, but lately he feels a bit differently. He feels like he deserves a little more trust even if there’s a big part of him that is still fearful of what he’ll do, of what he’s capable of. Still, it’s not worth the argument or the talking to go over it with his father so he shakes off those feelings and takes one of the small white pills. There’s an engraved ‘20’ on one side and a small line on the other to half it if one needs to. It’s all too familiar now and Stiles takes no heed as he puts it in his mouth and swallows it down with a large sip of water. He does this process as quickly as possible, yet he can’t help but grimace as it goes down. He hates swallowing these things now. He hates it.

><><><>< 

 Stiles’ breathing is laboured beyond belief as he claws his way to consciousness. Everything is dark and hot, and awful. It takes a few painful moments before he realizes that he’s not dreaming anymore. Despite this realization though, he still feels dreamlike, as though none of what surrounds him is real. He shouldn’t be surprised though, most of the time nothing seems real as it is, but now- right now there is the added bonus of panic coursing through his body and his lungs on fire. He needs to calm down, he knows that rationally, but emotionally, mentally he’s still there with his mom. Her threatening words lingering in his brain.

_‘He needs to know.’_

 Stiles just wants to feel safe again, to feel secure and to not be alone. He wants comfort and he wants to feel whole again even if he doesn’t remember ever being whole. He wants- he wants- he needs- fuck. Before he knows it he’s reaching over and searching for his phone. He’s still breathing heavily but it’s not quite a panic attack yet and he’s able to dial a number. It’s a new one, a number he just got but it belongs to someone who makes him feel normal again. Someone who makes him feel himself again, even if they’ve only met a handful of times. He needs Derek.

 There’s something about codependency in the back of his mind as the phone dials in his ear, but he ignores it as quickly as it appears. It’s just another thing to worry about and he doesn’t need anything else to worry about. Never again. The phone picks up before he can linger on that faint thought.

“Hello?” The voice is deep, gravely, and no doubt just woke up. It is close to four in the morning though, so it makes sense.

“D- Derek?” Stiles chokes out as he breathes like he’s just run twenty laps around Beacon High’s track.

“Stiles!? What’s wrong? Where are you? What’s going on?”

 His voice is worried, concerned, and scared all rolled into one. It makes a knife dig into Stiles’ heart. “Sorry, I- I j- just… I need you t- to talk to me.”

 He barely knows him.

“Okay- alright, but I can- I’ll be at your house in ten minutes. You are at your house right?”

“No! N- no don’t. Just- Just talk t- to me. Please.” Stiles practically begs as the panic surges again at the thought of Derek- of anyone in his space, especially now.

“Okay, okay, uh- I- I had a job interview today.” Derek offers a little unsure and still clearly worried. “Please, Stiles let me-”

 Stiles cuts him off before he can offer. “Where was the interview?”

 It takes Derek a minute before he drops asking about coming over and starts doing what Stiles asks- needs, whatever. “It was- it was at a publishing house.”

“You’re a writer?” His breathing has slowed somewhat.

“No- I- Kind of. I’m an editor.”

“Cool. How did- how did the interview go?”

“It was good. Actually I know the woman who works there and who would be my boss. We met at a fundraiser last year.” Derek explains and wow, that’s the most Stiles has ever heard Derek speak.

“Tell me about it? When you met her?” He’s almost a person again.

“Sure. It was December…”

><><><>< 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Stiles says a little awkwardly as Derek stands there on his front porch.

“I was worried about you.” Derek says cutting to the chase as he resists the urge to touch Stiles. He wants to reach out, to put his hand on his arm, or better yet on his jaw so that he can feel his heart beat rather than just hear it. A physical reassuring touch that tells him that Stiles is okay, that he’s no longer in a panic like last night when he called. It scared him.

“I’m fine.” Stiles tells him as he looks down, afraid to sympathy or pity in Derek’s eyes. He doesn’t need it, he doesn’t want it.

“Okay.” Derek agrees but his eyes tell a different story, they say ‘I don’t believe you but I’ll let it go because I don’t want to upset you.’

 There’s a few minutes of awkward silence as they stand there at Stiles’ porch, the smell of the oncoming rain that’s supposed to fall later today pungent in the air, and the pull that they feel for each other, Derek’s much more prominent before Stiles says, “You can go now.”

 Stiles looks up then and sees a look of hurt pass over Derek’s eyes and he immediately feels a pang of guilt but he doesn’t take it back because its true and he wants to be alone. He can’t stand concern for him he’s never really had many people feeling concerned for him. Ever since he was young and his mom was sick all attention was on her and her condition, not that Stiles blames his father for anything. It’s no one’s fault. He’s the way he is because that’s just how it is but it makes it difficult to accept concern or worry or any kind of love from anyone. It doesn’t ever feel right and it makes him more uncomfortable than ever. The only one that really showed those kind of feelings was Scott and Stiles hated it but yearned for it all the same. Whenever Scott would ask if he was okay or if he needs anything Stiles would brush him off right away, his chest squirming at the attention, at the concern. To him it was unnatural, unreal, and patronizing. He feels this with Derek now in this moment because he’s always had to take care of himself, he doesn’t need any of _this_ from him or anyone else.

“I thought you might need a ride. It’s going to rain today and Scott said your jeep was still at the mechanics.” Derek tells Stiles calmly but also slightly questioningly as he leaves a little space in his tone for Stiles to leap out. In the few times they’ve seen each other and in the few weeks Derek has gotten to know him it’s obvious that Stiles doesn’t like to be trapped in anything, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

“Oh. Yeah, I’m supposed to get it back after school but I was just going to walk.” Stiles tells him but then in a rare moment of honesty, of opening up he adds, “My dad actually wanted to give me a ride but I told him Scott was going to take me. He’s pretty busy and I don’t want to bother him.”

“Scott has work.”

“I know.”

“So I can take you.” Derek reiterates with a hopeful expression on his face. Stiles really wants to say no, mostly out of principal but he wants to say no all the same and then he sees that look and thinks again. He remembers his and Scott’s conversation the other night. It was about Alison of course, but the things Scott said has to do a lot with mates in general. How hard it is to be away and how much that wolves feel the need to provide and to protect. Stiles doesn’t need either but it’s not fair to Derek to deny him small things, especially if what Scott said was true about the strong feelings. Neither him nor Derek chose this so as much as it is uncomfortable and confusing for him it’s probably equally if not more difficult for Derek. He after all is a wolf and they’re perception of mates is completely different, almost holy.

“Okay.” Stiles says agreeing but it’s way too early to go now.” Stiles tells him.

“Oh, I’ll come back.” Derek says as he turns away but then, mostly out of impulse Stiles invites him in.

“You can come inside. I have coffee made.”

 Derek turns back and a faint smile appears. He wants to agree readily but this Stiles, his mate, and someone who is different so he asks, “Are you sure?”

 Stiles doesn’t say anything for a few long seconds, making Derek’s heart fall into his stomach in disappoint and in rejection. He’s about to turn back around and head to his car, telling himself that at least he gets to give him a ride and spend a few minutes with him when Stiles says, “Yeah, I’m sure.”

><><><>< 

“What do you take in it?” Stiles asks as the familiar sense of anxiety and nervousness sets in. This is his home and a stranger is trespassing, or well, he did invite him in but it still feels like a small violation of some kind. He knows it’s irrational and that there’s no way Derek will go into his own space, into his own room without permission but he still feels it, especially when Derek sits at the kitchen table, becoming part of the place and of the moment.

“Two cream, one sugar.” Derek tells him. Stiles nods in understand and turns to the counter to pour him a cup and add the cream and sugar. He pours himself a cup, black with three cream and goes to sits down across from Derek. Derek takes a sip and nods his head to indicate that it’s good.

“I don’t drink coffee that much.” Stiles says in the silence that follows. “At least I’m not supposed to. I’m not supposed to do a lot of things.”

“Like what?” Derek asks genuinely interested as he tilts his head in encouragement for Stiles to continue.

“Like walk in the rain.” Stiles says this with a wry smile as it all starts to piece together in Derek’s head.

“That’s why you lied to your dad?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine, I mean, he worries a lot.” All the time.

“He’s your dad.” Derek says like it explains everything, and it sort of does.

“Yeah, he is.” Stiles agrees, not to the apparent statement but to the one hidden underneath in double meaning. “So, tell me about your family? What do they do? I know you’re an editor but what about your sisters?”

“Cora’s in university.” Derek says with a fond smile. “Studying to be a physical therapist. Laura just graduated with a business degree. She wants to invest in a perfume company, or some kind of store. My mom works at the community center but I’m sure you already knew that.”

 Stiles nods his head to indicate that he does. “What about your uncle?”

“Peter?” Stiles nods again. “He- well, actually we’re not really sure what he does. He um- after the fire it’s been really difficult for him.”

“Yeah, he seems different.” Like me.

“He’s a good person, underneath it all.” I’m not.

“That’s good. Anyway, we should go. I don’t want to be late.”

“Alright.” Derek agrees, slightly surprised. It’s still kind of early but Stiles feels like something is crawling underneath his skin. He feels all out of sorts and he needs to get out of this situation. All of this talking and reality of life. He can’t take all of this serious conversation this early in the morning, especially talking about family and life and pain. It’s too early for all of that. Way too early.

“I’ll go and grab my backpack.”

><><><>< 

 Stiles makes sure that the curtains are closed, that there’s nothing under his bed or in the closet, and that he locks his door. A feature he wasn’t allowed to have until a week ago when his father gave in and let him have his lock back but that’s mostly because he knows how to pick it if need be. Something Stiles knows he won’t do unless he doesn’t respond at the first knock, but his father isn’t here now even though it is after six. He said he’s staying late which happens at least four times a week so Stiles isn’t surprised. If he was anyone else he would leave the door unlocked because why bother locking it, right? But he’s him so he locks it.

 Stiles lets out a breath of nervous air as he lays down on his bed and wiggles under the covers. He takes out his phone and goes to safari, not trusting google to not save his search information, and searches in that familiar guilty pleasure. He goes to the most viewed knowing that they have the hotter videos and scrolls down to a familiar one. He clicks on it and pulls down his underwear, making sure to take a helpful handful of lotion from his nightstand bottle first.

 It doesn’t take long for him to reach his climax as he hasn’t done this for a week. Sometimes he won’t go for a long time from doing this and the other times he has to at least a few times a day. He hasn’t really thought much about it, he is a teenage boy- young man after all, but the feelings he experiences after he lets it out range dramatically. Sometimes he feels the pleasure down into his toess and other times it’s barely a stab before it’s gone and he feels that infinite sadness that always resides deep inside him, only this time the feeling is twofold. This time it’s neither instead he feels out of breath and confused.

 When he came he wasn’t thinking about the video, he was thinking of Derek. Not really thinking, more like a flash of his face and the feeling of his presence overcame him as he- came. It makes him feel so confused and even afraid. He’s never had any sexual feelings towards anyone, not like this, not so personal and not with real feelings attached. This isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s been and how it’s going to be. He’s already set himself up for a life with sexual attraction that Scott and everyone else in the whole damn world feels but now… Fuck. He can’t breathe.

><><><>< 

“You have to come, Stiles, it’s my birthday.” Scott says in a pleading voice as he sits across from him in the Stilinski living room.

“No, no way.” Stiles says with a firm shake of his head. There’s no way that he can see Derek right now, especially not when last night he had a full blown panic attack as he realized he has certain feelings for Derek. He needs to think that over before he sees him, let alone what this party really means for him and Scott’s friendship.

“Please, man, you’re my best friend. I need you there. Plus you can finally meet Alison.”

 Stiles isn’t impressed but Scott is tugging at his hand down and Stiles has to fight tooth and nail not to flinch not to pull his hand out and back hand Scott.

“Fine. I’ll go.” Stiles says as his heart speeds up slightly at the prolonged touch. Mercifully Scott lets go after he agrees and Stiles can breathe again, and wait what? What did he just agree to? The panic that was coming forced out any logical thought and now- shit, he can’t go to Scott’s fucking birthday party. A, because Derek is going to be there and he still needs to sort out his confusing feelings, and B, because his birthday was last week and Scott never mentioned anything about it.

“I knew you’d say yes!”

 What has he gotten himself into?

><><><>< 

“I would like to thank my best friend, Stiles for coming to my party even though he hates birthdays and would rather stay in his room alone.” Scott says slightly tipsy as he raises his glass in his ‘speech/toast’. It’s been a few hours since the party started and so far Stiles has met everyone in the pack, including the infamous Alison who Stiles has seen a picture of but now up close he really does get it. She’s perfect and beautiful, funny and smart, the kind of mate Alpha Talia Hale can be proud of and accept into her pack with open arms.

“Thanks, buddy.” Stiles says to Scott in response with unhindered sarcasm.

 Scott goes on to cheer and then the music is back on and Stiles desperately needs a break. It’s too loud there’s too many people, and even with doubling is anxiety medication before coming (which he’s not actually supposed to do) Stiles is starting to feel that familiar panic so he makes his way to the kitchen. There’s no one there thank God and it’s quieter. Stiles can actually feel like he can breathe again, although he does feel light headed. He hasn’t eaten much today so he better have something now. Not food, because if he has a panic attack he’ll defiantly throw it up, but a soda will do.

“Enjoying yourself, Stiles?” A familiar authorative voice asks.

 Stiles raises his head out of the fridge as fast as he can which is not a good idea as he bumps it on the fridge handle, making him wince. He rubs at the back of his head as he simultaneously holds the soda and closes the fridge. His eyes are immediately on Alpha Hale whose own piercing ones dig into him in the most uncomfortable way possible. It’s like she’s tearing apart his skin piece by piece to see what’s underneath. Stiles has the sudden urge to cross his arms over himself, to hide himself.

“Yes, thank you.” Stiles tells her, remembering his manners.

“Good.” Talia says with a nod of her head, then after a moment, “You are my son’s mate so I have to ask, are you going to accept him?”

 Stiles eyes go wide. “Uhh, um, isn’t that between me and him- Him and I?”

“Perhaps, but I am his mother and his Alpha.” She says as thought Stiles should now answer, but he’s always been stubborn in the face of authority and doesn’t. Talia’s face becomes ever stonier at this but she doesn’t say anything else about it, instead opting to ask a different, even more personal question. “Do you wish to have children Stiles?”

 Stile physically steps back as his heart beat increases exponentially. He turns from Talia, putting his soda on the cupboard and opening it up. This gives him something to do and also provides a shield from him and the Alpha. He debates briefly whether he should answer or not but like always the constant panic in his veins out wins everything else and he needs to get out of this situation so he answers with, “No, I don’t.”

 Stiles is done opening his soda and he has no choice but to turn to face the Alpha once again. What he sees sends a shiver down his bones. Her eyes are slits and she’s no doubt both anger and disappointed. Her next words don’t need to voice this but they do anyway with, “I’m disappointed in you. As a wolf, family and pack are the most important things to us. I don’t understand how Derek could have picked you.”

 Stiles could choose not to say anything but there’s anger now instead of panic and his mouth always had a mind of its own. “Family is important to me. My dad means everything to me, and just because I don’t think I should be a father doesn’t mean that I hate family. As for Derek and I- on the topic of kid’s well- I barely know him. Besides it’s between us, isn’t? A wolf and his mate, our relationship- that’s none of anyone’s business. What’s between us is between us, right?”

 Talia looks shocked and even angrier but before she can say anything someone else has made it to the kitchen and is answering Stiles question with, “That’s right.”

 It’s Derek. Of course it’s Derek.

 There’s a tense moment of silence has mother and son- or well, more like Alpha and wolf have a face off before Stiles clears his throat and says, “I should go home. It’s getting late.”

“I’ll give you a ride.” Derek says, his eyes still trained on Alpha Hale.

 Stiles nods his head, not wanting to argue, not now. “We should go then.”

 Derek’s eyes finally leave his mother’s face and find their way to Stiles. There’s an apology there but Stiles doesn’t deserve it. Derek’s mom is right. He’s not a good mate. No kids, no beauty, and he’s not even funny. He’s defenceless and basically a freak. He’s not even that smart he barely passed his classes for eleventh grade. He’s not much when it comes to the person department, let alone mate department.

 He’s not much of anything, in fact.

><><><>< 

“Thanks for the ride.” Stiles says as they pull up to his house. His dad’s car isn’t there which means he’s working a double. A usual occurrence by now and Stiles should be used to it but all he feels instead is a pang of loneliness that lasts longer than ever.

“Stiles…” Derek says, stopping Stiles from jumping out of the car as soon as it stops. There’s something sad and upset in his tone that makes the tug in Stiles gut when it comes to Derek pull even harder. He looks to Derek in question. “I’m sorry about my mom. She shouldn’t have said that.”

 Stiles relaxes slightly, not realizing until then how tense he was and how scared he was of what Derek was going to say. Probably something along the lines of ‘my mother was right’ but he’s not saying that. He’s saying the opposite. Stiles answer to his words is immediate. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Derek argues.

 Stiles smiles slightly but it’s not a real smile, more one that says ‘this is the situation and it is what it is.’ “She’s looking out for her pack, for you. She wants to rebuild it. I get it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, of course. But- Well, she was right sort of. I’m sorry you got stuck with me as a mate.”

 Stiles eyes are on the ground of the floor now as Derek attempts to reach out and touch Stiles, but he flinches before that can happen. Stiles eyes now wide and large, afraid as they burrow into Derek’s hurt ones, but he quickly shakes it off as he says, “I didn’t get stuck with you Stiles. You are my mate and I- I need you. The pack needs you. My mom can’t see it yet but- well, as far mates go we believe that they are missing pieces to our lives. You’re my missing piece.”

 Stiles eyes widen even more, only this time in shock. “What?”

“Mates are everything to wolves, personally, but as far as the pack goes- we need you to complete it.”

“I- I don’t understand.”

“You will.” Derek says mysteriously as his face becomes fond and desperate. Stiles can only imagine why it’s desperate but he doesn’t want to. In fact he doesn’t want to imagine or think about any of this. He’s no one’s missing piece. He’s not that important. He’s not even a person, not really.

“I didn’t leave the party because of your mom.” Stiles says suddenly, surprising them both at the raw honesty in those words. “I left because of Scott.”

“Scott?” Derek looks more confused than ever and it’s sort of adorable if you ask Stiles.

“Yeah, he’s kind of a dick sometimes even though he doesn’t mean to be.”

“What did he do?” Derek’s face is suddenly angry and Stiles feels a jolt of fear run through him at that.

“No- No- nothing it’s just- my birthday is a week before his. It was kind of our thing but I guess- I guess he forgot.”

“What?” Derek asks, his face saying that he was not expecting this turn of events, at all.

“Yeah, it was- I turned nineteen last week. My dad and I had some cupcakes he bought from the bakery and he got me a new bag. I- That’s more than enough but I- well me and Scott we, we’re supposed to be friends again so I just- I don’t know.”

“You’re hurt.” Derek says with a look of pure sadness, not pity but sadness and hurt. Almost like he’s feeling what Stiles is feeling but twofold.

“Yeah.”

“I never got you a present.”

“That’s- That’s okay. I’m- I’m not a big fan of presents or even birthdays.” Stiles admits softly as he thinks back to all the rushed and forgotten birthday’s as a child when his mom was sick. All of his father’s attention rightly on her and not him.

 Derek’s face suddenly changes than. It gets this determined look that makes Stiles both curious and a little fearful at what he’s so determined about.

“I’ll buy you dinner.” Derek says suddenly. His tone of voice has no room for argument but Stiles has a feeling that if he said no Derek wouldn’t argue about it. He would be disappointed and maybe even sad but he wouldn’t insist. Derek’s learning more about him than Stiles is particularly comfortable with but then again he’s doing the same.

“Okay. But we have to go to the diner.” Stiles agrees. His first instinct was to say no but then he thought of his father’s none existent presence in the house right now, and the tug in his chest became tighter as he thought of spending more time with Derek. “They have the best curly fries ever.”

“Where’s the diner?” Derek asks and Stiles mouth opens comedicly.   

“You don’t know where the diner is?” A shake of Derek’s head answers that and Stiles becomes even more scandalized. “You’re in for the best surprise of your life big boy!”

 Derek’s mouth cracks a smile as he pulls out of the Stilinski driveway, and not that he would tell anyone, but for Stiles it’s a beautiful sight and an even more beautiful moment as he smiles along with him.

><><><>< 

 Having dinner with Derek in the diner at almost eleven at night was a surreal experience and one that doesn’t feel like it was real. It feels more like a distant dream that Stiles is floating further and further away from. He lays on his bed a few nights after this event and tries to picture Derek’s features, to shade in the words they exchanged, and to make the memory as clear as possible but even as he does this it still is so murky. So unreal that it almost hurts. He doesn’t know what to believe any more about anything. Nothing feels real to him not even the person- the human being that should be more real than anything. The presence of another is something Stiles could always count onto remember but this time- It’s too fuzzy.

 Stiles knows what happened in his brain but he can’t see it. He only knows that they talk about Derek’s family. He knows the answers and the questions even to the conversation but the actual memory is more like looking into the ocean, into a strange unreal reflection of the actual event. But he was there and he did experience it. Who else could it be? It was just him- it was only him and- and-

_His head is spinning and nothing feels right. He’s off center and it’s almost as though he’s at the edge of a cliff waiting for that push to send him over to sweet relief of this tugging game. He needs this to be over and he finally feels bad enough that he might actually be able to. It’s more of a now or never moment when he gets home after school and opens his desk drawer to various bottles of medications that he’s been trying for the past few months. When one needed to be adjusted he would get a new prescription, the old bottles gathering in his desk drawer. He’s not really sure why he’s kept them, partly because he’s not sure how to dispose them but partly because maybe he’s been planning this for a long time._

_He has a few moments of hesitation but then it’s gone as he takes the first pill, swallowing it down with leftover soda from yesterday that was sitting on his desk. After the first couple he has no choice but to take the rest and then they’re gone and he feels numb. He puts in his earphones and lays down on his bed, the music soothing him into unconsciousness as he pushes all of the bad thoughts, and possible regret away._

_As soon as he falls asleep it will all be over._

><><><>< 

“Dad!? Are you home?” Stiles calls out as he opens front door, dropping his bag on the floor. He just got back from the Hale pack house where Derek talked to him. Really talked to him about the fire, about how it’s his fault and how his mom is an amazing person, not that Stiles didn’t think she was before but he feels and thinks of her even more highly now, Derek too.

 Stiles makes his way to the room he affectionately nicknamed at the age of five as ‘the food place.’

“Hey, dad.” Stiles says to his father’s back. He’s turned toward the stove cooking, sitting on a chair, slumped over slightly. Probably tired from the day. It’s a rare sight though, to see him cooking but it does happen from time to time and it smells great. Stiles has a moment of hesitance at what he needs to say as he realizes he’s cooking. These are his favourite moments, when his dad gets off early and cooks, but then he thinks of Derek, of what he said, and his nerves become steel again as he readies himself for the words that need to be spoken. The truths that need to be heard. “Dad?”

 His father doesn’t answer but Stiles knows he heard him, probably just waiting for him to continue, so Stiles takes a deep breath and then says with great fear and relief, “There’s something you need to know.”

_Thud._

“Dad?”

**Author's Note:**

> The ending may seem open-ended but there is only one possibility as well as the option for a sequel. If you'd like to read one, let me know, and let me know what your think of the story.


End file.
